It’s 9 O'clock here and after a long busy day, it finally felt like the right time to get something off my chest. Never has mankind’s purpose in life been so heavily weighed by society and found wanting…
Whilst blessed to be born in the Western world and not needing to spend my days focused on nothing but survival, the privilege of the modern world has brought forth endless confusion and a dizzying array of career and lifestyle choices instead. A mere 50 years ago my path in life would have been probably relatively simple - complete high school, a job likely as a teacher, nurse or secretary followed hopefully soon after by marital bliss and babies galore. Pretty straight forward right? Now the world is my oyster so they say… I could continue my education, travel the world, choose almost any career including the military forces, and forgo the trappings of marriage and children for a life of freedom. Would this be considered the ultimate success or selfish? Depends on your viewpoint.
My own path through life so far has brought many important revelations, all of which are often painfully discovered through lived experience; and yet I still feel immensely judged for the choices I’ve made, including some of which have been far out of my control. Society currently paints a rather bleak picture for women in which you are somehow expected to be all things to all people. A recent monologue in the 2023 movie “Barbie” struck a nerve with almost every woman I know and for good reason:
“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.
You have to answer for men's bad behaviour, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard!
It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault. I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us.”
Pressure from many sources including society, family and media creates a challenge for anyone to navigate - man or woman. Can you genuinely follow your dreams and still not disappoint anyone? The rise of Feminism in the late 18th century initially focused on marital equality including financial, property and custody rights. Suffrage has slowly gained great strides in equality of opportunity almost to the point where at times, well-intentioned feminism has occasionally morphed into an oppressive regime of its own. Whilst few would argue equal pay for equal work, the choice of how, what, and where to work is now constantly under scrutiny from others, especially other women. It takes a brave soul to question whether something is positive for women overall, let alone speak up publicly. In 2024, we are so afraid of trial by our peers we cannot even advocate for biological women’s rights without harsh censure.
Disappointingly I suspect our forbearers would turn in their graves if they could see us now. Fighting veneer tooth and acrylic nail up the corporate ladder to compete with men, neglecting our mental welfare, farming our children out to others to be raised, selling our bodies to strangers online, and struggling to form permanent healthy partnerships - all under the pretext of “female equality and freedom”. I’m an atheist and yet even I still sometimes wonder how we strayed so far from God… Surely the 10 commandments still hold some relevance to society, even just the latter six if you are not spiritual.
The feminist gift of choice gave the illusion it would all be positive outcomes for women. Certainly I grew up in an era when it was regularly touted “You can be anything you want!” and yet the sacrifice required was not made clear. Many women have wonderful fulfilling careers outside the home yet still carry the lion's share of the housework, childcare, mental load and usually earn less to boot. The horrible slow dawning realisation that women simply exchanged the “stay at home mother” (SAHM) lifestyle of their grandmothers only to be further statistically penalised in almost every facet of modern life.
The crux of the idea that feminism would create equality of outcome relied somewhat on men leaning into a new way of life which largely has not materialised. Unless you happen to live in one of those fabled Nordic countries where apparently men have months of maternity leave and simply love cooking & cleaning; the rest of us have drawn the short straw. Women simply added a paid external job to their existing full-time job as mother and housewife rather than a genuine exchange of tasking with their partners. I’m not specifically advocating for all women to return to the traditional housewife lifestyle, but I am advocating for a return to choice and more importantly respecting others for their life purpose choices made.
The societal expectation for women is now to be educated, financially independent, and successful at work but also capable of being a wonderful nurturing mother/parent and loving, sexy partner all simultaneously without cracking under the mental load. Frankly, this BBC comedy show skit frequently springs to mind. The question we should be asking is who is demanding this of us? Is this pressure genuinely internal or external? This speaks to me of the value placed on “work” in all its forms. Any declaration of desire to be a SAHM or housewife now apparently elicits unpleasant connotations of being a “gold digger” or not “pulling your weight” as a woman; because we all know there are 24 hours in a day and why shouldn’t you use all of them to do both paid AND unpaid jobs? Cue women everywhere wondering how we ended up in this situation.
Being a SAHM used to be seen as equal value to paid work, and indeed if one adds up the exorbitant cost of childcare it really is truly valuable. The irony is surely not lost that we now work long hours outside the home in order to pay other women to look after our own children which in turn enables us to do said long hours of work. Sadly the dramatic rise in the cost of living along with stagnant wage growth has forced most couples to require a dual-income household simply to survive, let alone purchase a home of their own. This shift in society no doubt brings added pressure on both sides to “provide” to their maximum capability and I acknowledge that this is a choice not many have to alter, however, you can still advocate for women in other ways. Respectfully acknowledging that we are in fact, not Superwoman all of the time. We are just trying our best. We want and need your help just as much as you ask for ours. Sometimes we just want you to listen! Understanding that we too have hopes and dreams and perhaps even long for that past time when a genuinely loving marriage and motherhood were considered the pinnacle of achievement.